So for those of you detail oriented type people…myself included in that group…you might have noticed my first blog post started out by saying “A blog without a name.” That’s it. No further explanation, no definition, no fancy way of tying that in to my post what-so-ever. So let’s address that for a minute. When I first started writing that day, literally, that’s the first and only thought that came to my head. How can I write a blog I moaned…I don’t have a name for one—heck, I didn’t even fully know what it was going to be about so how on earth could I come up with a catchy www.thisisbrilliant.com address? I almost was going to make it www.blogwithoutaname.com. But then this internal battle was raging inside of me……..God is going to show me something. No, He’s not. This isn’t even from God. But as quickly as I was to say that, He came back to me even louder (not quicker, since apparently I still need to work on my patience) as I sat quietly reading one afternoon and reminded me…YES, this is from me and YES, I am going to show you something. So, with slight (okay, since some of you don’t know me yet on a personal level—I suffer from a bad case of sarcasm…the word slight here really means HIGH, HEAVY and IMPATIENT) expectations and I got excited that by the end of that post He was going to show me what the blog name should be. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I was heartbroken. Literally. I was so excited about this work we were doing together and since evidently, like my previous blog stated, I’m a slow learner and for some reason, no matter how connected I am to God, no matter how much I ‘know’ better…I still struggle with thinking my timeline and ways are best…aka control. So of course, in my typical fashion I was about to scratch the whole idea. Oh, that’s real mature Keeley. You don’t get your way, so let’s just quit all together. Classic.
In an effort to NOT turn back to old ways, I am being more aware of my thoughts and emotions…which is all new to me and rather uncomfortable at times…but this was one of those times that needed examination. Why was I so quick to turn my yes into a no? Why was I thinking that despite knowing my 100% truth—God is good all of the time and can be trusted—that I needed to question Him? Why, why, why. Funny, when I just typed out those three why’s—the word whiny came to my vision. Weird. Okay anyway, as I sat for about a week, stewing in my thoughts and internal battles I realized something. I’m scared. Scared of judgment. Scared of being vulnerable. But most of all, scared of being hurt. You see, when the brain experiences a trauma you can get three responses. Fight, flight or freeze. For me, I have a tendency to flight. My brain has taken its traumas and decided the best thing to do is avoid new ones all together—-i.e. being hurt—so even though I’m not about to experience a trauma by saying yes to this blog…my brain sees differently and was already trying to protect me. Which, ultimately is a real nice thing for it to do—but right now, isn’t the time. Because what this comes down to isn’t a head issue…even though my brain thinks differently, I still know better. Okay, hang in there with me…I’m not as crazy as that just sounded. Okay, maybe I am…but really, show me one person you consider normal then we’ll talk about crazy. What this comes down to is a heart issue. My brain, as brilliant as it wants to be to try and protect me, just can’t right now. Why? Because the brain cannot outsmart the heart.
God loves to speak to the heart which makes so much sense, since that’s where He resides. Many of these internal battles we all have are between our mind (sometimes my worst enemy) and our heart. Human logic vs. faith. My mind has a hard time understanding why I would knowingly enter into being vulnerable with the possibility of being judged and ultimately getting hurt—but my heart reminds me that God works best through brokenness and pain. Authenticity. Which ultimately, brings me to the name. Embracing the broken. I decided I wanted something that everyone could relate to. Everyone. I know not everyone is an alcoholic or struggles with addiction. I also know not everyone is a mom. Certainly, not everyone decides to homeschool their kids. But one thing I do know is that EVERYONE is broken. Either right this second, two days ago, or 10 years ago. From this brokenness comes many things—but one thing I heard recently and want to hone in on is the term scar tissue. Sure, I thought, that makes sense for a physical injury. But think about that more for a second. Scar tissue is defined as this: 1.c
Since God is the one who disciplines us and sends us trials—He is also the one who can take the hardship and pain of those events and turn them into something for His good. My brokenness and scar tissue is going to be used for His good. It might create some judgment from my peers, or vulnerability of my scarred heart and most definitely some pain—but gosh darnit, that’s a heck of a lot less costly than the repulsive abyss I was headed for in my addiction and protective state of mind. And let’s face it, we’ve all been broken in some way, shape or form…have we healed properly or much like I was, have we even begun to heal in the way He needs us to in order to glorify Him? Do we even want to glorify Him? If not, what’s the point of all that pain? Let God redeem it….He’s the only one who can.
Embracing the broken. Interesting. God embraced my brokenness in the depth of my addiction. I didn’t see it that way at the time, but I sure do now. God doesn’t ask us to love people only when they’re whole and healed with Him…He asks us to love people right where they are because that’s what He does. Embrace them. When you are moving toward your calling of God there’s nothing left to do but embrace your brokenness and watch Him work. Brokenness isn’t weakness…it is great strength when used properly. My mind tells me it’s weakness. My heart tells me it’s strength. So, which is it?
Mind vs. heart. Human logic vs. faith. One has to be the winner. I might be a slow learner about some things…but not this. I choose heart. My answer is still yes.