I feel as though I should start out by apologizing…for being absent…for seemingly going dark in the midst of a battle…for not being consistent. I find myself lately apologizing a lot. And really, probably more than I should because half of the things I’m saying sorry for aren’t my fault, yet I’m taking that burden on my shoulders as if it were. So right now, I’m not sorry! What I am though is beat down, tired and believe it or not, at a loss for words. This past month and a half has been probably the most whirlwind of a storm since I have been home from treatment. Many good things in that storm, many not so good…but when you’re being tossed about in a storm…you just get plain exhausted. Think of a ship in a storm, specifically a sailboat. She’s just been through a mighty, raging sea with winds so hard she should have tipped. Waves so large she should have sunk to the depth of the ocean. Darkness so black, it felt like she had sunk to those depths. She shouldn’t have been able to navigate out of it. But somehow, there she is….her sails ripped and tattered…wood missing from her bow…yet still sailing, with her destination firmly locked into place, never questioning her own strength…or more so, the capability and power of her captain. This image reminds me of my life. Right now. I cannot and will not focus on the storm. When I focus on the storm I want to throw my hands up in the air and say NO. I give up. But yet, each time I think ‘oh this is it, I am at the end of my rope’…God throws me a life raft. For whatever reason, this season of my life holds challenges and craziness that I am not used to and really, would rather not face. But I can either choose to focus on those…to fixate on the waves that come crashing upon me, that rage against every ounce of my being…or much like that sailboat, I can trust my captain. This week in particular I have cried many tears of sorrow saying ‘no, I cannot do this and don’t want to’…’I just want this to go away’…….and even though I still have those moments I am also beginning to quietly whisper, “Jesus, if you won’t make this go away…this storm, these waves…this darkness…then please, calm my soul. Bring me the peace only you can provide and remind me that your power—your wisdom—your goodness—your grace—your love for me. Its all enough. All of those things, they will weather this storm. Lord, help me trust that soon enough…….you will speak and the storm will stop and we will sail out of it together. So for now, in the eye of the storm, quiet my soul.”
As I sit here and write, I contemplate actually putting this on my blog. I always have said I want this to be a vessel for God to use how He sees fit…but sometimes my fear gets the best of me. Sometimes I want to write about something a little less personal. A little less emotional. But for some reason, He says no and simply asks me to once again, trust Him and say yes. The one thing that He does though every single time through this process is pulls things out of me that I don’t see coming. Today, it was two things. The first was the image of a sailboat. Sailing gracefully out of a storm. A little beat up, but still afloat and more importantly, trusting its captain and their capabilities together. I think that was God’s way of telling me to hang on…..One. More. Time. The second thing He brought forth is one of my favorite songs. It’s called Oceans by Hillsong United. It gets me choked up every time I hear it and lately, it’s just dug a little deeper for some reason, and now I know why………………….
You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep … My faith will stand.
And I will call upon Your name. And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace…for I am Yours and You are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters … Your sovereign hand will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, you’ve never failed and You won’t start now.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders … Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger … In the presence of my Savior.
All of us will face storms in life. Many have the power of taking us down, in many different ways. It’s just up to us what we do in that time…focus on the storm. Or focus on Him. If I choose to focus on the waves and raging sea right now, I will relapse. That’s how my storm will take me down. If I focus on Him…the storm is still there, but it’s quieter. It doesn’t hold the same power.
Jesus has called me out upon the raging waters right now, amidst this storm in life, and all I need to do is trust Him. Fear surrounds me, but once again He has reminded me that He’s never failed and He will not start now. I call upon His name and can rest in His embrace and in doing that, everything about me becomes fixated on Him rather than the storm around me………and for a moment, my soul ……. is calm.
17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:17-18