Wow. 9 months. It has literally been 9 months since I have blogged. It’s not as though I haven’t wrote—because Lord knows I can’t go for months without doing that, but it has been a season of change. A season of challenges. Forgiveness. Healing. Learning how to fully live in God’s mercy. Let’s just say it’s been a huge season of growth and as hard as it has been, I wouldn’t change a minute of it. But it did take stepping back from things in which are truly good to make sure they weren’t taking first place in my life. Or even sneakily becoming a crutch or a very temporary replacement for a very permanent God. Maybe we can just chalk it up to a time of assessment and examination—-because truly, life has a way of sneaking up on you if you’re not careful about where and how you’re spending your days.
On October 23rd, 2016 I took a leap of what I now call faith and reached out to our senior pastor. Someone whom we respected and admired immensely as his way of teaching and showing God’s love to others was incredible. Simply put…he’s a true testament to a man living on fire for Jesus. He is so inspiring and I knew God was asking me to reach out for help….but from HIM, I couldn’t possibly understand why! I was more than OK just being a person he knew on a first name basis from church and coincidentally, neighbors with. I didn’t really want to expose the turmoil and angst that was really inside of me at that time. Gah. Vulnerability. Again. So I thought, OK…I’ll reach out to him. He’s had a ton of life experience and I’m sure he’ll be able to guide me in the exact direction I need to go. This guy is FULL of wisdom so I’m sure he’s got a little extra for me. I’m sure he has the answers…………………………
I’ll never forget the look on his face as he listened to me pour out my heart. From me there were no tears. No emotion. Just numb words coming from an empty pit. I was at a place of such brokenness that I didn’t see the way out of this hole. But there Pastor Steve sat, with such compassion. Such grace. Taking in every word and making me feel as if I was the only person on his agenda that day. Which we all know isn’t true…but what a gift. I was expecting him to answer my questions. How long does one really need counseling? How do I know when it’s time to take a break from it? What do I do? Because I felt stuck. Like I had gotten to a certain place in my healing journey and I wasn’t getting any farther. In fact, in this moment, I was lower than I had ever been. What was I doing wrong?! I couldn’t figure it out and I wanted him to for me. But in that moment. He looked up at me, reached out his hand in return for mine and said the most profound thing anyone has ever said….”Honestly, I do not know what you need right now. I don’t have all of the answers, but I know the One who does. And I know He is going to get you through this. I have no doubt.” As a gentle tear was on his face he began praying in that moment and I knew right then and there. I came looking to a man I deeply respected for answers and I didn’t get it. Not right then anyway. But as the next few days unfolded, I saw I couldn’t have gotten a clearer answer.
Seven short days after this meeting with our pastor, I made a decision. No more counseling. No more AA meetings. No more conversations feeling the need to force healing when perhaps it wasn’t the right time. Or maybe I already was healed on many levels and I couldn’t see it! My husband affirmed me in my decision…which was a total God thing in my eyes as I was fearful he was going to see the fact that he had been physically helping me get out of bed that week due to where I was at mentally and say I was crazy. But he didn’t. He said, “I agree completely.” Wow! Can you see God moving hugely in these 7 days? Here I thought God was leading me to our pastor for the answers. When really, God knew I needed to go to the most inspirational man of God I knew to be pointed back directly to HIM—-to God himself. And THAT is how I came to my decision. Me pulling the plug at that moment on counseling wasn’t quitting. It was seeing that when you meet people (my counselor one of them as well) who are very connected to God and also someone you look up to…sometimes we want to run to them first when in pain. Or trouble. Or even excitement. It can happen in any relationship actually. A child to their parent. A sister to their sister. A wife to her husband or vice versa. And what I learned from this interaction between my pastor and myself was God was in fact calling me deeper. To Himself.
And in that pull, God said precisely this: Keeley, you are farther along than you realize. These people I have most definitely placed in your life to help you get to this point. All the way back to even before going to treatment! But now. Now you have to depend more on me. I am not saying you have to do life on your own. But what I am saying, is this final piece of healing you are longing for is going to come from intimate dependence on me. Not others. It is going to come from trusting that I am going to put people in your path who need to see the light. The light which is me shining through you. Just like you saw in your counselor, your pastor, your friends. It wasn’t themselves that drew you in. It was me. So now go, be the light. Live in victory. Proclaim my goodness. Always.
Can I tell you this right now. From that moment it has been a slow and steady climb out of that hole which had swallowed me up. The hole that the enemy wanted me to lie down in forever and be defeated. I can firmly, humbly and excitedly say that I am free!!! I am more than a conqueror through Christ and I carry ZERO condemnation that once held firmly over my life. There have been times in the past couple of years in which I have tasted a moment of this freedom…just go back and read some of my prior blogs…but somehow I would slide back down into a dark, stinky pit. So to be where I am today….FOUR months (to the day) past that meeting of desperation with our pastor is a huge accomplishment and something to be praised!!! This is more than a moment of freedom….I have lived enough days in it now where there is no turning back!
I know though that it doesn’t mean the old me won’t want to slip back up every now and again and feel defeated by my past or even my present—-but it does mean that I have been given such a strong foundation to build on, that in those moments I go straight to truth. I offset every lie with something that God says and I truly believe it! I don’t argue with Him. I know He created me for a purpose much greater than living under a blanket of fear, condemnation and guilt.
I am just so thankful and feel as though I just won a championship race and I’m standing on a podium. So of course…I have to thank my sponsors. 🙂 I couldn’t have made it this far without many patient people always pointing me back to Jesus. A pastor who knew how to teach the truth in the most humbling and profound way. A husband who has never once left my side. A family who has loved me through it all. And ultimately, because of the most beautiful God who LONGS for every, single, one of us…..to be FREE!